My brain is a terrible thing. It never knows when to stop, it's constantly turning and grinding and thinking and contemplating. I act out scenes in my head that I know I'd never be able to do myself because of consequences. Sometimes, I'm over dramatic and I storm out... you follow and tears flow and you tell me you love me more than you've ever loved anyone and that you're sorry. Please, don't leave. That would never happen of course, because I think in our minds we tend to take the logical approach to things. Give it a while, let her cool off, space. I don't want space or time, I want to smothered. In other cases, I tell you that I really can't stand you and I hate everything you are and that I'm tired of being your friend because I stopped thinking I was long ago. You cry a bit and tell me that you know you've been wrong, and that you're sorry you weren't a better friend to me, that you didn't pay attention to the little things and you never even bothered to just text me and say "Hey, what's up?". There always had to be a reason. And sometimes, just sometimes, I yell and tell you that we should just stop talking because it's all fake and you don't even value me anymore. We used to be attached at the hip and now it's maybe, when you have time, or just more excuses. I never have an ending for that one.
I think we are all tainted by previous relationships. Be it love that we though we were in, friendships we though would never fall apart, or those situations you just couldn't bring yourself to part with. I remember this quote in my senior year book by this kid named Zach Perez, "The sad thing about getting older is that we don't fling ourselves in and out of relationships like we used to, and that's a shame." There's a few ways you can take this I suppose; a)We shouldn't be in long-term relationships and should just date like crazy (Wrong) or b)We should come into every relationship with trust and honesty and curiosity like we did when we were younger. Before we knew better, before we knew what heartache and lies and deceit were. Before we knew that sometimes they'll tell you things that aren't true just to make you smile, and when it didn't matter if your family approved or not. Before we knew that we would grow apart.
I've opened up a lot. In example, the current relationship I'm in. I came in nervous, anxious, and with my guard 100% up because, well, in my head it was just going to happen again. I would end up sitting in some sad place with the sutures torn out and my heart pounding harder than before. Since then, my guard is down 98%, which let me fall in love and be more at ease with my own self. Maybe I go about it differently, I always go in trusting everyone one-hundred-percent, and then you can only go down from there. That whole benefit-of-the-doubt thing hasn't worked for me too well, but it's the best way I see to start off. If you're constantly doubting, then you're wasting your time. It sounds hypocritical, I doubt a lot of things, but I notice that there's people out there that doubt and lack trust in their partners far more than myself.
I also think, that as you get older, for some people at least, the passion in their own lives fade. Some people never loose it, they're passionate about everything and anything. Movies, art, music, the way their hair looks or even the knots in their show strings. Sometimes I wonder if certain people were more passionate in previous relationships, and those ones left them so shattered that they no longer know how to be that way. I'm ridiculously romantic. I daydream of pebbles at my window and acoustic guitars, slow dancing the headlights at 3am, sweet words and lyrics written on pieces of torn paper being left for me to find, barefeet on a dashboard driving to nowhere with smiles from ear to ear. I'm a sap at best and only wonder what certain things would be like. I wonder if anyone has ever felt totally passionate towards me, I wonder if I make you feel alive sometimes. I was actually listening to Angels & Airwaves, and there's this one line from Love Like Rockets and it gets me everytime, as simple as it is...
"Do you feel... alive?"
I wonder how people are when they are overwhelmed by that sensation of love. My heart swells and sinks into my stomache at the exact same time and I feel like I'm going to fall out of every pore in my body. The way I love is insane and ridiculous and amazing sometimes. I feel I'm straying off topic. These are just things I think about, well, one of the million things I think about. Feedback is appreciated on these types of entries, I'd like to know your thoughts or ideas or how you felt about reading this. Maybe it made you re-evalute why you are currently the way you are, or if you just think I'm being silly. Something, anything.
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